The Life of Faith (or maybe the lack of)

Catholics believe in baptizing when you're a baby. You know, dressing the baby up in a little dress (or if you want to be technical, christening gown), inviting the family to join, and probably eating some type of cake afterwards. We've all been to one before, not just the one where we were most likely crying while the priest was holding us and pouring the holy water over our heads.

And then you get sent to Catholic school, or religious ed. And if your parents still want you to be religiously influenced, they send you to a Catholic high school. Then off from there it's you're decision.

To be completely honest, I don't remember the last time I went to church, other than being forced to. It was probably 6th grade or so. My parents just decided to stop having to pick a fight with my brother and I about going to church.

Partially, I think it's because for now 11 years of my life I've been told what to think. I've been told what to believe, what not to believe, and what my faith life should be like. Teachers said not to watch the Da Vinci code, because it was Antichrist. You have to give something up for Lent because otherwise you're selfish. If you don't go to church every weekend, you're a bad Catholic. Priests tried to make you feel guilty if you didn't go every weekend. You have to go to reconciliation a certain number of times a year. All these people telling me what to think started to get really old. I have my own mind, and I'll think what I want to. I don't mean to sound feisty, but that's how I feel.

And then 7th grade rolled around. My teacher who majored in theology decided to share with us that the story of Adam and Eve wasn't true. Well that fired up some deep thinking in me. If the story of creation wasn't true, then what is? How could I believe that anything is true? Teachers tell you not to take the Bible literally, but then some things you need to take it literally. How are you supposed to know the difference?

Then, there's the common debate of whether God accepts gay people or not. This subject fuels a debate in me. Growing up, I was always taught that God accepts everybody, whether you're color of skin, what you look like, who your family is, etc. When I was finally old enough to know about people with different sexualities, teachers and priests and just people in general told me it was bad. I'm sorry, but for the past 14 years of my life, I was told God accepts everybody, so why are gay people the only exception?

My 8th grade religion teacher was what some people would call a die hard Catholic. She prepared me for confirmation for two years. Although she said that it was a choice whether you felt you were ready or not to be confirmed, but it really wasnt a choice. I didn't necessarily want to be confirmed, because at that point I wasn't in good standing with my faith. I didn't want anything to do with religion, church, the bible, anything in relation to this. She said that it would be our choice, but if we decided against it, it would be strongly looked down upon. She guilted us into it, the same way I feel the Catholic church does to you. I ended up getting confirmed, but I don't feel like it was the right timing in my life.

All of this led up to why my faith life is. All of these clichés drive me crazy. I don't know what to think anymore, and I don't know what to believe anymore. I wish I could figure this all out, and I wish I could have made my own decision on whether I wanted to be Catholic or not. I don't think you should be able to be baptized when you're a baby, because it's not your choice at that point. You're forced into something that you should be able to decide for yourself when you're ready.

So up until this past summer, I avoided everything related to religion. But my best friend is very Catholic and seems to have a good faith life. Sometimes she tried to kind of make me go with her to youth group or talk about religion, but I didn't like it. I didn't want to associate myself with it.

She went to a youth conference in early summer called Steubenville. One summer day she asked me to go with her to one of their little weekly reunions, which were every Wednesday night. I thought, oh great, a bunch of Catholic kids who talk about church and how that homily just touched their hearts. She told me, "these are some of the happiest people you'll ever meet." So at 7 that night, we made our way to Mary our queen to get together for this get together. I walked in and there was all this screeching, "OH MY GOSH I'VE MISSED YOU SO MUCH!" and all these people hugging each other. I felt awkward and out of place. But my friend was introducing me to new people and I had to be supportive of her, because she's my best friend.

When everybody got there, we sat in a circle and this lady started talking. I don't remember what it was, but I knew I was rolling my eyes in my head thinking, okayyyyy, this really isn't my crowd, when does this get over, I want to go home, I wonder how many Facebook notifications I'll have once I actually get home......

And then we started signing. Knowing me, singing and music is kind of my thing. I'm always singing, doesn't really matter where I'm at. I tend to like some church songs, because they sound pretty when everybody sings them, not because "singing is praying twice." but there were these songs that got to me. I looked down at the song book in front of me and had this urge to sing, even thought I didn't know the words or the melody. But I started singing, and it made me want to cry. After a couple songs, the lady started talking again. And she opened it up for people to make their own comments. Some people started crying, and I found myself wanting to cry too. I don't know why I had this urge to cry. one song specifically stuck out to me though, it's called arms open wide by hillsong united. (And also, last one I swear... ) but this sing touched me because, well after you listen to it, you'll understand where I'm coming from with this, but it's like God was talking right to me. "here I stand, arms open wide." like, Courtney, I know you havent talked to me in awhile, but I forgive you. Here I am, arms open wide, waiting for you when you're ready. "I am yours, you are mine." I'm here, just for you.

After a few more songs, the 2 1/2 hour get together was over. My friend and I went up to some people and started talking, and we decided to go to ihop to keep this get together going. There you could just feel this atmosphere of happiness from everyone, and I didn't know what to think. I got home that night, and I started thinking about that whole night. Overthinking really, like I always to. And I felt this pang of almost jealously, because these people were just so happy, and so open and connected with their faith life. I started to wonder what they had that I didn't have. It made me want to try to recreate my faith life, but not by people telling me what to think and believe. I wanted to do this for myself. And since then, I've been going to those weekly get togethers when I can, and the once a month get togethers on Saturdays. I've started to feel happier, and I've been finding myself going to God when there's strife in my life. I feel like I'm starting all over again, and I'm so excited. Though I'm still not a die hard religious person, I'm starting to reconnect my life to God, and I owe it all to my best friend.

((sorry its so long!))


Apparently my links didn't come through... So here they are:
http://m.youtube.com/index?client=mv-google&desktop_uri=%2F&gl=US&rdm=4pcfq6bn6#/watch?v=xkKuuWqnBds

http://m.youtube.com/index?client=mv-google&desktop_uri=%2F&gl=US&rdm=4pcfq6bn6#/watch?v=5_rvQMF8Y0w

http://m.youtube.com/index?client=mv-google&desktop_uri=%2F&gl=US&rdm=4pcfq6bn6#/watch?v=UE-PDMh9WNE

http://m.youtube.com/index?client=mv-google&desktop_uri=%2F&gl=US&rdm=4pcfq6bn6#/watch?v=kmignZozEoA

http://m.youtube.com/index?client=mv-google&desktop_uri=%2F&gl=US&rdm=4pcfq6bn6#/watch?v=zlA5IDnpGhc

Oh, and I need to make one more point. I don't believe that to be a good Catholic you need to o to mass every weekend. It's about being good to others and doing good for people other than yourself. It's about service. If Hitler went to mass every week, we he still be considered good?